“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” ~C. S. Lewis

A series of prayers: 6/3

God,
I've been praying so long for a release from these feelings and it's tiring and frustrating when for three years it hasn't happened.  Change my prayer, Lord, to a release from brokenness, a release from pain and holding on to being a victim.  You have provided freedom from that in Christ and I refused for so many years to instead cling to those things and root my identity in them.  Help me, mold me, reconstruct my identity as you victorious daughter.  Lord not only that, open my eyes, open my eyes to the pain that I have caused.  I repent of that, forgive me for being myself an initiator of pain and brokenness.

Quote of the Day

"We are each given spiritual gifts and sometimes trials arise to exercise those gifts so we can get spiritually ripped, yeah they might suck going through them but afterward when we see how much we've grown it's worth it and God gives us the power to overcome all.  He is our spotter.  He has our back."
-Jonas Marks

Prince Charming

  

  I’m so deeply embedded in the past.  It defines who I am.  It defines my present actions.  As badly as I want to escape it I can’t.  It gives me false hopes for a fantasy future at the same time constantly reminding me of pain and bitterness.  

      Past has two sides one that is lovely and sweet, smiling contentedly upon me.  But the one I’ve most encountered is cruel.   Relentless and merciless, I’m slowly suffocating under its strong fingers unable to breathe in Grace’s fresh air.  If only there were someone stronger, a Prince in shining armor to rescue me from my certain fate.  

Patience...it's a virtue

"If you learn nothing else about being a field biologist learn this - you gotta be patient."

     -Beth Horvath

     If there's one thing I need to work on it's patience.  Immersed in Hispanic culture my entire life I've become accustomed to waiting and being waited on.  Parties always start an hour after proposed, guests showing up two hours after promised.  It's just become second nature to me.  But the thing is I have no patience with God.  I want my prayers to be answered immediately.  I want Him to instantly take away my pain or reveal himself to me.  If and when this didn't happen I figured I was doing something wrong... which left me constantly trying to fix myself.  What I failed to realize is there are benefits to waiting.  I can trust that God will answer my prayers, in His time, and instead of worrying when the answer will come I can be satisfied simply being in the presence of my Savior.

Coming Home

     I've decided that I don't run away from my problems.  Oh no i'm much more subtle than that, I hide.  I hide and i'm good at it.  I can hide my problems from others, myself, i've even been known to try and hide my problems from God.  I used to believe that as long as I could smile to the world I was being strong.  I believed that the longer I hid feelings from myself the stronger I was being.
Coming back I was overtaken by feelings of brokenness and weakness.
Had this pain really transformed me into a stronger person or simply made me better at hiding?
How could it be that I felt like a part of me had died? 
Then it hit me.
It was in death that we were given new life. 
It is through our weakenss that we can be filled and used by God for his glory.
      So maybe I had this wrong the whole time.  I shouldn't be striving and rejoicing in the days where I was able to stick to my idea of being "strong".  I should be embracing the fact, the glaring reality, that on my own I am so incredibly weak.  Because "He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me....For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:9-10)

Taking off the blindfold

I know you.

     Even though you’ve only offered bits and pieces of yourself (a far cry from me offering up everything) I’ve managed to piece them together to try and figure you out. You haven’t given me much to work with but I pursued relentlessly at getting to know your heart. I know how you think…I mean I still wish I knew what was going through your head (especially when you told me all those straight faced lies) but I have this sixth sense of knowing how you will react or what your next move will be. But if I’m completely honest with you (and myself for that matter) I’ve been completely delusional about this relationship for awhile now and refused to see the truth of the matter and open my eyes to how you really felt towards me…

You don't know me.

You’ve never even tried to get to know me.

     If you wanted to know me you would seek out my heart.  You would try and learn all you could about me. You would want to spend time with me and carry out all those plans we made. But none of this was true. NONE OF THIS HAPPENED. You never tried. Not at all. You may have told yourself that to make yourself feel better but in reality you haven't learned anything about me. What you have learned is how to take advantage of these feelings I have for you.
     I tried really hard to force you, to pressure you in to learning more of my heart. Practically begging you to see me for who I really am. Now I don’t know why I chose you to do this to but I did.  Maybe it is just one of those things, something that had to happen to get me to this point. Whatever it is I trusted you like I’ve never trusted another man in my entire life. And in the end that’s what broke me.


*If you really knew me at all you would know how badly I need someone consistent in my life instead of treating me like a friend when you see me on a regular basis and completely forgetting me when I’m gone for any length of time.

*If you really knew me at all you would know that I get so passionate and heated right away but cool down quickly.

*If you really knew me you would know how bad this summer was for me and how deep a hold your words had in my heart. They dug deep and just like the barbs on a fishing hook.  I knew it would hurt so much more to pull them out, but at the same time if I didn’t my heart would never have the opportunity to heal and be whole again.

*If you really knew me you would know the words to make this better instead of  saying the words that only make it worse.