Coming Home

     I've decided that I don't run away from my problems.  Oh no i'm much more subtle than that, I hide.  I hide and i'm good at it.  I can hide my problems from others, myself, i've even been known to try and hide my problems from God.  I used to believe that as long as I could smile to the world I was being strong.  I believed that the longer I hid feelings from myself the stronger I was being.
Coming back I was overtaken by feelings of brokenness and weakness.
Had this pain really transformed me into a stronger person or simply made me better at hiding?
How could it be that I felt like a part of me had died? 
Then it hit me.
It was in death that we were given new life. 
It is through our weakenss that we can be filled and used by God for his glory.
      So maybe I had this wrong the whole time.  I shouldn't be striving and rejoicing in the days where I was able to stick to my idea of being "strong".  I should be embracing the fact, the glaring reality, that on my own I am so incredibly weak.  Because "He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me....For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:9-10)

Taking off the blindfold

I know you.

     Even though you’ve only offered bits and pieces of yourself (a far cry from me offering up everything) I’ve managed to piece them together to try and figure you out. You haven’t given me much to work with but I pursued relentlessly at getting to know your heart. I know how you think…I mean I still wish I knew what was going through your head (especially when you told me all those straight faced lies) but I have this sixth sense of knowing how you will react or what your next move will be. But if I’m completely honest with you (and myself for that matter) I’ve been completely delusional about this relationship for awhile now and refused to see the truth of the matter and open my eyes to how you really felt towards me…

You don't know me.

You’ve never even tried to get to know me.

     If you wanted to know me you would seek out my heart.  You would try and learn all you could about me. You would want to spend time with me and carry out all those plans we made. But none of this was true. NONE OF THIS HAPPENED. You never tried. Not at all. You may have told yourself that to make yourself feel better but in reality you haven't learned anything about me. What you have learned is how to take advantage of these feelings I have for you.
     I tried really hard to force you, to pressure you in to learning more of my heart. Practically begging you to see me for who I really am. Now I don’t know why I chose you to do this to but I did.  Maybe it is just one of those things, something that had to happen to get me to this point. Whatever it is I trusted you like I’ve never trusted another man in my entire life. And in the end that’s what broke me.


*If you really knew me at all you would know how badly I need someone consistent in my life instead of treating me like a friend when you see me on a regular basis and completely forgetting me when I’m gone for any length of time.

*If you really knew me at all you would know that I get so passionate and heated right away but cool down quickly.

*If you really knew me you would know how bad this summer was for me and how deep a hold your words had in my heart. They dug deep and just like the barbs on a fishing hook.  I knew it would hurt so much more to pull them out, but at the same time if I didn’t my heart would never have the opportunity to heal and be whole again.

*If you really knew me you would know the words to make this better instead of  saying the words that only make it worse.