Quote of the Day

"We are each given spiritual gifts and sometimes trials arise to exercise those gifts so we can get spiritually ripped, yeah they might suck going through them but afterward when we see how much we've grown it's worth it and God gives us the power to overcome all.  He is our spotter.  He has our back."
-Jonas Marks

Prince Charming

  

  I’m so deeply embedded in the past.  It defines who I am.  It defines my present actions.  As badly as I want to escape it I can’t.  It gives me false hopes for a fantasy future at the same time constantly reminding me of pain and bitterness.  

      Past has two sides one that is lovely and sweet, smiling contentedly upon me.  But the one I’ve most encountered is cruel.   Relentless and merciless, I’m slowly suffocating under its strong fingers unable to breathe in Grace’s fresh air.  If only there were someone stronger, a Prince in shining armor to rescue me from my certain fate.  

Patience...it's a virtue

"If you learn nothing else about being a field biologist learn this - you gotta be patient."

     -Beth Horvath

     If there's one thing I need to work on it's patience.  Immersed in Hispanic culture my entire life I've become accustomed to waiting and being waited on.  Parties always start an hour after proposed, guests showing up two hours after promised.  It's just become second nature to me.  But the thing is I have no patience with God.  I want my prayers to be answered immediately.  I want Him to instantly take away my pain or reveal himself to me.  If and when this didn't happen I figured I was doing something wrong... which left me constantly trying to fix myself.  What I failed to realize is there are benefits to waiting.  I can trust that God will answer my prayers, in His time, and instead of worrying when the answer will come I can be satisfied simply being in the presence of my Savior.

Coming Home

     I've decided that I don't run away from my problems.  Oh no i'm much more subtle than that, I hide.  I hide and i'm good at it.  I can hide my problems from others, myself, i've even been known to try and hide my problems from God.  I used to believe that as long as I could smile to the world I was being strong.  I believed that the longer I hid feelings from myself the stronger I was being.
Coming back I was overtaken by feelings of brokenness and weakness.
Had this pain really transformed me into a stronger person or simply made me better at hiding?
How could it be that I felt like a part of me had died? 
Then it hit me.
It was in death that we were given new life. 
It is through our weakenss that we can be filled and used by God for his glory.
      So maybe I had this wrong the whole time.  I shouldn't be striving and rejoicing in the days where I was able to stick to my idea of being "strong".  I should be embracing the fact, the glaring reality, that on my own I am so incredibly weak.  Because "He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me....For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:9-10)

Taking off the blindfold

I know you.

     Even though you’ve only offered bits and pieces of yourself (a far cry from me offering up everything) I’ve managed to piece them together to try and figure you out. You haven’t given me much to work with but I pursued relentlessly at getting to know your heart. I know how you think…I mean I still wish I knew what was going through your head (especially when you told me all those straight faced lies) but I have this sixth sense of knowing how you will react or what your next move will be. But if I’m completely honest with you (and myself for that matter) I’ve been completely delusional about this relationship for awhile now and refused to see the truth of the matter and open my eyes to how you really felt towards me…

You don't know me.

You’ve never even tried to get to know me.

     If you wanted to know me you would seek out my heart.  You would try and learn all you could about me. You would want to spend time with me and carry out all those plans we made. But none of this was true. NONE OF THIS HAPPENED. You never tried. Not at all. You may have told yourself that to make yourself feel better but in reality you haven't learned anything about me. What you have learned is how to take advantage of these feelings I have for you.
     I tried really hard to force you, to pressure you in to learning more of my heart. Practically begging you to see me for who I really am. Now I don’t know why I chose you to do this to but I did.  Maybe it is just one of those things, something that had to happen to get me to this point. Whatever it is I trusted you like I’ve never trusted another man in my entire life. And in the end that’s what broke me.


*If you really knew me at all you would know how badly I need someone consistent in my life instead of treating me like a friend when you see me on a regular basis and completely forgetting me when I’m gone for any length of time.

*If you really knew me at all you would know that I get so passionate and heated right away but cool down quickly.

*If you really knew me you would know how bad this summer was for me and how deep a hold your words had in my heart. They dug deep and just like the barbs on a fishing hook.  I knew it would hurt so much more to pull them out, but at the same time if I didn’t my heart would never have the opportunity to heal and be whole again.

*If you really knew me you would know the words to make this better instead of  saying the words that only make it worse.



Trusting

      If there is one thing I've learned its to stop making plans. I honestly feel like my entire life has been a series of plans and promises that we're broken. I look back at a journey of ruined expectations and shattered trust. Trust...there in lies the problem. From the time I can remember trusting others has come naturally. In my naivety I believed everyone was inherently trustworthy. It took years of heartbreak and tears to open my eyes to the truth of the matter: In this fallen world one has to earn trust. The only one that we can trust perfectly is He who is perfect.

This little light of mine...

      "Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble.  but whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darness has blinded him."

-1 John 2:10-11

     This Summer hasn't just been full of spiritual growth and incredible insights it's also been the summer of some of my lowest lows.  I didn't like posting on here when I was so sad or angry (probably why there's so few posts haha) because I didn't want to admit to myself how much bitterness I was harboring much less admit that to other people.  I had surrendered and learned so much yet I was still unhappy.  I didn't get it!  My brain knew that as soon as I trusted my God I should be a peace but my heart was still so broken and hurting. Then I saw a reality church podcast:  http://s3.amazonaws.com/realitycarpinteria/20100214.mov  and a major thing that was revealed to me was that i still needed to forgive.
      It makes sense that the people who I love the most are also the ones that hurt me the worst so while I want so badly to say that I forgive them and move on I never took the time to examine my heart and see that so much bitterness was still there.  Deep down I was still angry leading to passive agressive remarks or constantly making them feel bad  and bringing up past wounds.  I realized that forgiveness didn't come because of who they are or how mature I am but because of who Christ is and how radically he forgave me.  This also opened my eyes to the reality of sin I was still unwilling to repent of in my life.  I was too scared to admit to myself the magnitude of my guilt...I had forgotten that God is bigger than any sin!  Finally though I couldn't ignore the tug of the Holy Spirit on my heart any longer.  This whole summer was a journey that taught me more and more about Jesus' love and mercy and because of that I could repent and forgive.  And you know what? I'm content. :) I'm not saying everything is perfect and I'm so scared of the change that's coming in just a few short days but God's gotten me this far and I know he will continue His work in me. <3