fresh air

It feels good to stop holding my breath and just breathe :)

Happy Endings

     I've been addicted to happy endings lately.  Chick flicks and chick lit, anything that immerses me in a world where love is true and lasting.  Where the girl gets the guy even after some crazy misunderstanding, an intial repulsion or extraneous circumstances.  Love conquers all.  Nothing stops it...not other people, not bad situations, not even fear. 
     I've gotten to the point where once I get to the part where the guy and girl are having problems and it seems like love can't overcome all this, that something is about to prove too much, I skip to the end.  It's almost a necessity, a complusion, I have to do it.  I can't just be content knowing that yes I chose this movie/book because they all have happy endings.  I can't wait the hour or so it takes to reach the conclusion complete with sweet words and heart-pounding kisses.  I must, must be assured of their love. 
     This simple habit has provided so much insight into how my brain is currently working.  More than anything I want to skip ahead a couple chapters to make sure that yes, I too will get that happy ending someday.  In allowing God to write my love story I've also learned that I must trust.  I can trust because I know Christ's character; I know He is good and faithful and loving.  It's proven to be nearly impossible but little by little I'm starting to believe that I'll be okay.

Living Water

"Like the woman at the well i was seeking, for things that could not satisfy; But then i heard my Savior speaking "Draw from the well that never shall run dry"

     I feel like what is being spoken to my heart right now is the fact that I don't need to be insecure if I'm filled up with his love.  To pour out because He is pouring into me.  I spent so much of my time trying to be filled with human love, which all too often falters or fades.  I never fully grasped the meaning behind Jesus as the living water.  It is more than being granted eternal life; it is an offer for an abundant life right now.  A life where I am so filled I have no choice but to fill others.  That is what we as his children are called do; we are to love unconditionally, not expecting in return.  And being able to do just that comes from security in our love from Him and for Him.  It's a scary thing to open your heart to another person but by resting in God's love I can do just that.

Lock and Key

"He loves to prove himself faithful and more than enough to satisfy our hungry soulds.  We can't wait until we feel safe to love and invite.  God calls us to stop hiding, to stop dominating, to trust him, and to offer our true selves.  ...To keep our hearts open and alive, and find refuge and healing in his love." -Captivating
    
     In relationships I always felt like I gave too much of myself away. I opened up more, trusted more was more honest and in the end I was left with all the heartache. It was so easy for all these boys, even after giving so much of myself to them, to just walk away.  I vowed to be the “stronger” one.  The one that leaves first, unharmed.  No longer would I be the one who was abandoned...forgotten.   I kept telling myself that I would never again allow myself to get in too deep; I had to love, trust, hope slightly less than i got in return.

****

    I'm starting to realize there is one I can trust.  One who never turns away, who never abandons.  The strength to be vulnerable once again must ultimately come from Him, there is no way I can do it on my own.  To believe that I have a beauty to offer that no one else can must come from this faith in His goodness.  Yes dealing with insecurities is a daily struggle, but I will not lock my heart away, instead I've entrusted the keys to Him, my Savior and King. 

Masterpiece

More and more God’s will is being obscured and blurred in to my own personal wishes and desires. His masterpiece for my life is being mixed with my own amateur paint strokes…
The point isn’t to just to let go of the paintbrush, to throw up my hands and say “I’m Done! I can’t do this anymore!” even if that’s how I feel every time my heart is wounded. The point is to simply allow the masters hand to hold mine and create something beyond anything I could ever imagine.

Ben and Jerry's

I hand you the ice cream
and my heart
how is it so easy and yet so hard
to give it over
you broke me
now I’m left continually trying to fix the pieces
my hands are clumsy and shake when you look at me
you broke me
and yet for some reason I’m here

Beloved

Reasons NOT to love me:


1. I’m hell in the morning. I’m not naturally beautiful in any sense of the word. I even have to work on my inner beauty

2. I don’t forgive easily

3. I can complain A LOT

4. I crave sympathy and tend to seek it out too often

5. I conform to be what I think people want or need me to be, especially when it comes to the boys because I’m terrified no one can ever love the real me- flaws and all

6. I HATE conflict which means I can’t stand up for myself whatever the case may be. I let people use me but I’ve been known to use others for my personal gain (usually when it comes to boosting my own ego)

7. Authority figures scare me so its hard for me to talk to them

8. I long for a serious relationship but I still have major issues with commitment

9. I’m scarred, on the inside and out

10. I’m superficial and vain

11. I’m can be self-depreciating to the point where I make myself feel worthless

12. It’s hard for me to open up to people but when I do I’m easily hurt by the person I trust

13. I want someone to constantly listen to me but it’s hard for me to REALLY listen to what they are saying

14. I am easily overwhelmed

15. I like to take the easy way out of things, especially when it comes to facing others

16. I long to be needed and wanted, which so far I haven’t encountered anyone who wants/needs me in more than just a physical way so I’m dealing with those wounds to my heart.

17. I’m not “Good” at any one thing I’m average in a lot but I don’t have one specific talent that I can say I’m really good at.

18. I can be possessive and jealous

19. I’m messy and disorganized

20. I’m completely and utterly indecisive

Yet despite all that through Him I am made perfect and whole.
I am His Beloved.