This little light of mine...

      "Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble.  but whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darness has blinded him."

-1 John 2:10-11

     This Summer hasn't just been full of spiritual growth and incredible insights it's also been the summer of some of my lowest lows.  I didn't like posting on here when I was so sad or angry (probably why there's so few posts haha) because I didn't want to admit to myself how much bitterness I was harboring much less admit that to other people.  I had surrendered and learned so much yet I was still unhappy.  I didn't get it!  My brain knew that as soon as I trusted my God I should be a peace but my heart was still so broken and hurting. Then I saw a reality church podcast:  http://s3.amazonaws.com/realitycarpinteria/20100214.mov  and a major thing that was revealed to me was that i still needed to forgive.
      It makes sense that the people who I love the most are also the ones that hurt me the worst so while I want so badly to say that I forgive them and move on I never took the time to examine my heart and see that so much bitterness was still there.  Deep down I was still angry leading to passive agressive remarks or constantly making them feel bad  and bringing up past wounds.  I realized that forgiveness didn't come because of who they are or how mature I am but because of who Christ is and how radically he forgave me.  This also opened my eyes to the reality of sin I was still unwilling to repent of in my life.  I was too scared to admit to myself the magnitude of my guilt...I had forgotten that God is bigger than any sin!  Finally though I couldn't ignore the tug of the Holy Spirit on my heart any longer.  This whole summer was a journey that taught me more and more about Jesus' love and mercy and because of that I could repent and forgive.  And you know what? I'm content. :) I'm not saying everything is perfect and I'm so scared of the change that's coming in just a few short days but God's gotten me this far and I know he will continue His work in me. <3

fresh air

It feels good to stop holding my breath and just breathe :)

Happy Endings

     I've been addicted to happy endings lately.  Chick flicks and chick lit, anything that immerses me in a world where love is true and lasting.  Where the girl gets the guy even after some crazy misunderstanding, an intial repulsion or extraneous circumstances.  Love conquers all.  Nothing stops it...not other people, not bad situations, not even fear. 
     I've gotten to the point where once I get to the part where the guy and girl are having problems and it seems like love can't overcome all this, that something is about to prove too much, I skip to the end.  It's almost a necessity, a complusion, I have to do it.  I can't just be content knowing that yes I chose this movie/book because they all have happy endings.  I can't wait the hour or so it takes to reach the conclusion complete with sweet words and heart-pounding kisses.  I must, must be assured of their love. 
     This simple habit has provided so much insight into how my brain is currently working.  More than anything I want to skip ahead a couple chapters to make sure that yes, I too will get that happy ending someday.  In allowing God to write my love story I've also learned that I must trust.  I can trust because I know Christ's character; I know He is good and faithful and loving.  It's proven to be nearly impossible but little by little I'm starting to believe that I'll be okay.

Living Water

"Like the woman at the well i was seeking, for things that could not satisfy; But then i heard my Savior speaking "Draw from the well that never shall run dry"

     I feel like what is being spoken to my heart right now is the fact that I don't need to be insecure if I'm filled up with his love.  To pour out because He is pouring into me.  I spent so much of my time trying to be filled with human love, which all too often falters or fades.  I never fully grasped the meaning behind Jesus as the living water.  It is more than being granted eternal life; it is an offer for an abundant life right now.  A life where I am so filled I have no choice but to fill others.  That is what we as his children are called do; we are to love unconditionally, not expecting in return.  And being able to do just that comes from security in our love from Him and for Him.  It's a scary thing to open your heart to another person but by resting in God's love I can do just that.

Lock and Key

"He loves to prove himself faithful and more than enough to satisfy our hungry soulds.  We can't wait until we feel safe to love and invite.  God calls us to stop hiding, to stop dominating, to trust him, and to offer our true selves.  ...To keep our hearts open and alive, and find refuge and healing in his love." -Captivating
    
     In relationships I always felt like I gave too much of myself away. I opened up more, trusted more was more honest and in the end I was left with all the heartache. It was so easy for all these boys, even after giving so much of myself to them, to just walk away.  I vowed to be the “stronger” one.  The one that leaves first, unharmed.  No longer would I be the one who was abandoned...forgotten.   I kept telling myself that I would never again allow myself to get in too deep; I had to love, trust, hope slightly less than i got in return.

****

    I'm starting to realize there is one I can trust.  One who never turns away, who never abandons.  The strength to be vulnerable once again must ultimately come from Him, there is no way I can do it on my own.  To believe that I have a beauty to offer that no one else can must come from this faith in His goodness.  Yes dealing with insecurities is a daily struggle, but I will not lock my heart away, instead I've entrusted the keys to Him, my Savior and King. 

Masterpiece

More and more God’s will is being obscured and blurred in to my own personal wishes and desires. His masterpiece for my life is being mixed with my own amateur paint strokes…
The point isn’t to just to let go of the paintbrush, to throw up my hands and say “I’m Done! I can’t do this anymore!” even if that’s how I feel every time my heart is wounded. The point is to simply allow the masters hand to hold mine and create something beyond anything I could ever imagine.

Ben and Jerry's

I hand you the ice cream
and my heart
how is it so easy and yet so hard
to give it over
you broke me
now I’m left continually trying to fix the pieces
my hands are clumsy and shake when you look at me
you broke me
and yet for some reason I’m here